A Parenting Memo on Peacemaking.pdf

June 2004 
 
Been There? Done That?  
By Sally Michael
 
Conflict, if handled well, is a great opportunity to glorify God and to grow in grace. Consider the following story from  
Ken Sande’s book, Peacemaking For Families:

When her seven-year-old twins, Ashley and Timmy, developed an interest in board games, Sandy hailed it as the greatest boon to domestic harmony since the invention of the two-bathroom house.  She even trotted out and purchased all the usual staples for her kids: Monopoly, Parcheesi, Sorry!, Clue.  She dreamed of her darlings consuming entire afternoons curled up on the living room floor tranquilly pushing their tokens around the game boards and, not incidentally, freeing her to get loads of housework
done and maybe even some reading.
 
But it didn’t happen that way.  For the problem with board games is, you need two to play them.  And her kids argued about what game they would play, who would go first, whose turn it was, who was cheating, and who would put the game away.  Every seven and a half minutes she found herself standing over them, hands on hips, yelling, “Can’t you kids ever play nice?”  and that was on a good day.   (From Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande, p. 111)

Have you been there?  Done that?  I have!  And from the comments I get from parents, it is not uncommon.  We all have sinful children that fight at times, and we are all sinners who often act from exasperation and impatience.  But there is great encouragement in the gospel that Jesus gives us the power and wisdom to grow in grace.   
 
Can our children really learn and apply the truth of Philippians 2:3-4? For that matter, can we?

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”   

Or how about 2 Timothy 2:24-25? Can we and our children actually become less quarrelsome?  Can we truly grow to the point where we are correcting our children gently more often than correcting them in frustration?

 “And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth.”    

I take great comfort in these two things:

1. The Bible would not command us to do something that is impossible
2. What the Bible commands, the gospel gives us the power to become

Although we will not become perfect, Jesus does give us the power to become more like Him when we confess our sins and look to Him for the power to grow.  But often we don’t really know how to learn to grow in grace.  We know that it is the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, but we forget that the Bible is our guidebook on how to cooperate with the Holy Spirit.  I am grateful for people who can glean truth from the Bible and “flesh out” practical steps for us.  Ken Sande has been one such person for me.
 
Sitting through the Peacemakers seminars has encouraged me again and again that the gospel really works—the Bible is true—God’s way is the way to growth and freedom!  Ken Sande talked about marriages that have been healed, angry neighbors who have become friends, splintered families that have been reconciled, and even a high school student who was given a late pass for any class tardiness due to his peacemaking efforts among other students.  As I sat in the seminars, I imagined a church where people actually took these Biblical peacemaking principles to heart and worked diligently to be Biblical in our approach to conflict.  Would Bethlehem be different than it is now?  Would our homes be different?  Would our city be different if 2,500 peacemakers from Bethlehem started applying these Biblical principles in our work places and neighborhoods?
 
If you would like to see what God’s Word has to say about peacemaking—confession, forgiveness, and negotiating—I would commend Ken Sande’s books: The Peacemaker or Peacemaking For Families (see excerpt on back).  He addresses both the heart issues as well as teaching practical steps.  And you will be encouraged that “the gospel really works.”  As you PRAY, PRAY, and PRAY some more, and PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, you will find that conflict IS an opportunity to glorify God and to grow in grace.   
 
These are not just words; this is a wonderful spiritual reality.
 
I love encouraging children to play board games… not only are they a wonderful source of fun but some also promote problem-solving, creative thinking, decision-making…and an opportunity for conflict.   
  
A Book Recommendation from the Michaels:

Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande with Tom Raabe. Tyndale House Publishers, 2002 [available in the BBC Bookstore]
 
In this book the authors show that family conflict is inevitable and normal, a legacy of our birth into sin. Using Scripture and stories from family life, they offer hope and help.
 
Whether the issues involve husband and wife, parent and child, or siblings, your family can learn God’s principles for achieving peaceful resolutions to those conflicts we naturally fall into.  You will appreciate practical, easy-to-remember truths concerning confession, forgiveness, confronting, listening, negotiation, and more.
 
Learning to be a peacemaker will help you to guard your family from destructive conflict, deepen your love and intimacy with your spouse, and provide your children with a solid foundation for life.  Most importantly, you can provide the world with a compelling witness to Jesus Christ’s reconciling power.”  (from the back cover of Peacemaking For Families)
 
A Book Review by Holly Urbanski (BBC parent):
Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends: How to Fight the GOOD Fight at Home! by Sarah, Stephen and Grace Mally. Tomorrow’s Forefathers, 2002 [www.brothersandsisters.net; 319-377-6728; available soon in the BBC bookstore]
 
"Best Friends?" You don’t know my children – impossible – and yet . . . couldn’t their relationship somehow be better than it is? I nearly passed over this book because the title seemed so unrealistic. When our family began reading it together last fall, however, we discovered a treasure. Written by a trio of siblings (ages 12, 16, and 22), it is Biblical, humorous, practical, and piercing. These youthful authors have thought deeply about God’s purposes in giving us siblings, the varied reasons our families so often fail in this area, and what can be done to change old patterns.  
 
The authors’ honest recording of their own struggles and successes enables children of all ages (ours are 13 and 15) to "connect" with the book. Every chapter contains a section written by each of the siblings, common questions (or objections) and answers, applications from a Bible story, and a quiz to encourage individual reflection. Humor and illustrations make the sometimes-hard truths easier to swallow. This book has changed our family, although not perfectly – we plan to read it again this fall!
 
Summer Sunday School Opportunity: Young Peacemakers (August 1-September 5) Come and discover how to put peacemaking into action! The class is open to families and singles (all ages). Children must come with at least one parent.  
 
Helpful Web Sites:  
www.HisPeace.org
Peacemakers Ministries web site: Includes articles and stories in categories such as: Principles of Peacemaking; Peacemaking and the Family, Peacemaking and the Church, Peacemaking in Business and Ministry, Real Life applications of Peacemaking.
 
www.effectiveparenting.org
National Center for Biblical Parenting has a helpful website if you are looking for practical suggestions for parents.  Click on “helpful articles.”  You can also sign up for free e-mail parenting tips. 
 
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
 
Parenting and Children’s Discipleship/Children’s Ministries Contact Information:
Bethlehem Baptist Church: 612-338-7653